the window before him.
A doorway to a million thoughts,
thoughts that waltz in the music,
Music of a million, million memories.
Then come the names,
names that appear on his screen.
Names that once brought comfort and support,
love and understanding.
Names of his children?
Then came the change.
The loss of the trust once there.
Too many whispers echoing to him.
Whispers that grew to screams.
As they passed through each of them back to him.
Then came the questions.
Why do they do that to each other?
Why do they do that to him, why do it at all?
Running to each other with rumours.
Gossip and misunderstandings?
Then again came the jealousy.
Jealousy that’s so rife and so sad.
Jealousy if you show fondness
Fondness to anyone other than them.
Jealousy that changes love to pain.
Then came the wounds.
That cut so deep into his heart.
How can he keep going? Keep going on?
His resistance is weak, his hurting so strong?
He is drowning in disappointment
Then comes reality
Reality that says he has failed
They talk about history
The 6 years we have had.
6 years and still jealousy, God that is sad
Then comes the heartache
So deep and so true
The jealousy their feeling, their assigning to you!
This jealousy sad and so weak and so lame
But sadder is them thinking you’re feeling the same.
So here comes my question
What of our love?
The love held so deep, love from above?
When corrupted it hurts a hurt that’s so deep
Is Love gone now forever or still there to keep?
And now comes admission,
See I still feel that love
Can lose it, forget it, dump it at all?
It’s end I can’t start, for you are all part
A part of my loving a part of my heart.
See I know about value
See I know about cost
I know about pain where my life seems to be lost
I’m not walking away, or running you see
I am just sitting behind walls that I made for me
Made to protect me
Made wide and tall
An impregnable prison from this world o h so cruel
And it protect all around me protects you from me
As I drown in the midst of my own misery
So forgive me for hurting
And for feeling this pain
And don’t try to take on all of the blame
It ain’t you at fault so don’t take that on board
It’s me who has failed, me who is flawed
I wanted to teach, loving and care
But can’t see it not more, only seldom is it there
Just selfishness, jealousy, bitterness, pain
Don’t like it in the world
Don’t like is used in my name
So I am hiding, I need to
Can’t help it you see
I gotta stay sane gotta find me
gotta stay in my prison till it’s save to be free
but don’t tell me I don’t care or love you at all
it’s just love’s hard to show
from behind this my wall
© Kevin A. Deane
Please click on the arrow below to listen to this poem.
I wrote this one many many years ago now. It was in response to a situation we expereinced then, possibly 12 or 13 years back. Things drastically changed for the better immediately after this and ever since, but the lessons that can be learned from it are always relevant.